MAASIKASONG ASAWA

Dalawang linggo na ang nakalipas mula nang ikasal sina Gino at Karen.

Kahit mahal na mahal ni Gino ang kanyang misis, nasasabik din siyang makipag-inuman sa kanyang mga kumpare. Isang gabi, nagpaalam si Gino kay Karen,

"Honey, aalis ako ha, babalik kaagad ako..."

"Sweetheart, saan ka pupunta?" tanong ni Karen.

"Sa bar, cutiepie, iinom lang ako ng beer." saad ni Gino.

"Gusto mo ng beer, love? Eto..." hirit ni Karen sabay bukas ng refrigerator at ipinakita ang 25 na iba't ibang klase ng beer na puro imported. Hindi malaman ni Gino kung ano ang gagawin. Ang sabi na lang niya,

"Oo, cutiepie, pero doon sa bar... alam mo na... yung malamig na glass..."

Hindi pa tapos magsalita si Gino, eh, buong lambing na nagsalita na si Karen, "Gusto mong malamig na glass, sweetheart? Eto..." Binuksan ni Karen ang freezer at naglabas s'ya ng isang malaki at malamig na glass, sobrang lamig at nangangatog pa siya sa pagkakahawak.

Medyo namumutla na si Gino, na ang nasabi eh, "Oo nga cutie pie, Pero sa bar ang daming masasarap na pulutan... sandaling-sandali lang ako talaga. Babalik kaagad ako, okey?"

"Gusto mo ng pulutan, sweetheart?" malambing pa ring usisa ni Karen, na binuksan ang oven at naglabas ng iba-ibang klase ng pulutan-sisig, chicken wings, chicharong bulaklak, crispy pata, inihaw na bangus, camaron rebosado, hotdog with onion, kaldereta at iba pa.

"Pero cutie pie... sa bar... you know, merong konting biruan, bolahan, murahan... you know..." alumpihit na sabi ni Gino.

Hindi na nakapagpigil si Karen, "Gusto Mo Ng Murahan Sweetheart? ....

... TANGINA MO PALA EH! HETO, INUMIN MO ITONG PUTANG INANG BEER MO
SA MALAMIG NA BWAKANAN NG INANG BASO NA ITO, AT KAININ MO 'YANG PUKI NANG INANG PULUTAN NA 'YAN DAHIL HINDI KA LALABAS NG BAHAY! ULOL!
'TANG INANG 'TO"

ANG BUBULE

(Si Boy Bastos sa Kawalang-Malay)

Walong taon pa lamang ang edad ay ibig nang matutong manligaw ni Boy at nanay niya ang inurirat, na ang sabi'y magtago na lamang siya sa likod ng kanilang kurtina at panoorin sa gabi ng araw na iyon ang pagliligawan ng ate niya't nobyo nito.

Kinaumagahan ay inusisa si Boy ng kanyang nanay sa kung ano ang mga nasilip niya at Natutunan.

"Sa umpisa po," kuwento ni Boy, "ay nagligawan lang ang dalawa. Kanilang pinatay ang ilaw at dim light lang ang iniwang buhay sa salas. Nagyakapan at naghalikan pero sumama ang pakiramdam ni ate. Nag-iba kasi ang itsura ng mukha, eh.

"Kaya ipinasok ng nobyo ang kamay nito sa blusa ni ate at parang doktor na pinakiramdaman ang puso nito.

"Pero tangang doktor! Ang tagal nagkakapa ng kamay ay hindi alam kung saang lugar naroon ang puso!

"Hindi nagtagal ay nagkahawahan na sila ng sakit. Pareho nang hihingal-hingal.

"Inilagay ng nobyo ang kamay nitong may sinat sa ng palda ni ate. Para mainitan, dahil nag-alis pa muna ito ng panty.

"Lalong naging grabe si ate. Nangapos ang hininga, nanigas ang mga paa, at halos mapahiga't magkandahulog sa pagkakaupo. "Iyon ang kataasan ng lagnat. Dahil sabi ni ateng nangangatog,
umuungol at tumitirik ang mga mata'y kinikilig na raw siya.

"Kaya pala sumama ang pakiramdam ng nobyo'y dahil may nakapasok na bubule rito. Umalpas sa harap ng pantalon nito!

"Gusto pang tumakas ng papalag-palag na bubule, pero dinakma ni ate at walang-takot na kinagat sa ulo.

"Ngunit iniluwa rin, dahil siguro'y gumanti ng kagat ang nakasubong bubule.

"Para hindi na makapangagat uli ay hinawakan ng nobyo ang bubule at may isinaklob sa ulo nito.

"Si ate naman ay humiga sa sofa at itinaas ang kanyang mga paa para pitpitin sa pagitan ng mga nakabukaka niyang hita ang ulo ng bubule. "Pati ang nobyo'y dinapaan ang bubule, na nanlabang
mabuti nang ito'y pagpilitang patayin ng dalawa nang papisa sa pagitan nila! "Pikit ang matang sinalubong ng dikdik ni ate ang makasira-ng-sofa'ng bayo ng nobyo roon sa iniipit nilang bubule.

"Kalaunan ay natahimik ang dalawa, walang kakilus-kilos at humihinga na nang maayos. "Nang tumayo ang nobyo'y patay na ang bubule. Nakalungayngay at sabog ang sumambulat na lamanloob.

"Pagod ang dalawa sa matinding laban pero nag-umpisa uli sila sa pagliligawan, pagyayapusan at paghahalikan. Aba'y nabuhay na namang unti-unti ang bubule! "Parang musang na siyam ang buhay! "Dito mabilis na tumayo si ate, hinawakan at inupuan ang bubule, para siya mismo ang pumatay.

"Pagkatapos ng matagal na namang labanan ay namatay na nang tuluyan ang bubule.

"Sigurado po," sabi pa ni Boy. Dahil tinanggal pa ng nobyo ang balat ng bubule, at pagkatapos ay
binuhusan ng tubig doon sa inidoro!" Tulalang mahima-himatay sa narinig ang nanay

WHAT TREE DID YOU FALL FROM?

Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is really cool and somewhat accurate, also in line with Celtic astrology. Then send it to all your friends, including the one that sent it to you, so they can find out what tree they fell from, but don't forget to change the subject line to your tree.
Dec 23 to Jan 01 - Apple Tree
Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 (only) -Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Haze lnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree
Jun 24 (only) - Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 -Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Sep 23 (only) - Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to De c 21 - Fig Tree
Dec 22 (only) - Beech Tree
YOUR TREE (in alphabetical order)

Apple Tree (Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner.

Ash Tree (Ambition) -- extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for
criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable, restless lover, sometimes money rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and much emotional support.

Beech Tree (Creative) -- has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).

Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very
passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.

Cedar Tree (Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows how to adapt, likes unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often impatient, likes to impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- of unusual stature, impressive, well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings,
hard worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.

Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be content, optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to gain knowledge, needs to be needed.

Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) -- pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

Fig Tree (Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit self-willed, honest, loyal, independent, hates
contradiction or arguments, hard worker when wants to be, ! loves life and friends, enjoys children and animals, few sexual relationships, great sense of humor, has artistic talent and great intelligence.

Fir tree (Mysterious) - extraordinary taste, handles stress well, loves anything beautiful, stubborn, tends to care for those close to them, hard to trust others, yet a social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at work, rather modest, talented, unselfish, many friends, very reliable.

Hazelnut Tree (Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of humor, very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects complete fairness.

Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.

Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, can become a complainer, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.

Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) -- no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.

Oak Tree (Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.

Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.

Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace and harmony, loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry, not fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love but will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self esteem, needs affection and reassurance.

Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented, not very self-confident, extremely
courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.

Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- full of charm , cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.

Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams,
attractive, ve ry empathetic, loves anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to
exotic places, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when
pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find that one loyal,
steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh

What kind of tree are you????

Father and son

A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.

"Daddy, may I ask you a question?"

"Yeah, sure, what is it?" replied the man."Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?"

"That's none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily.

"I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?" pleaded the little boy.

"If you must know, I make $20.00 an hour."

"Oh," the little boy replied, head bowed.

Looking up, he said, "Daddy, may I borrow $9.00 please?"

The father was furious. "If the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you're being so selfish. I work long, hard hours everyday and don't have time for such childish games."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy's questioning.

How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After an hour or so, the man had calmed down and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son. May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $9.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often.

The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

"Are you asleep son?" he asked.

"No Daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.

I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier," said the man.

"It's been long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here's that $9.00 you asked for."

The little boy sat straight up, beaming.

"Oh, thank you daddy!" he yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills. The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at the man.

"Why did you want more money if you already have some?" the father grumbled."Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.

"Daddy, I have $20.00 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?"

:)

Hospital bloopers

Nang mag-rotate ako as intern sa Pediatrics ng PGH , mahal na mahal talaga ng mga nanay ang kanilang mga anak na may sakit. Pilit nilang tinatandaan ang mga gamot at tawag sa sakit ng kanilang anak.

Doktor: “Mrs. ano po ang mga gamot na iniinom ng anak niyo?”

Mrs 1 : “Doc phenobarbiedol l po.”

Doktor: “Ah baka po phenobarbital. ” (Gamot sa convulsion ang phenobarbital)
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Doktor: “Mrs. ano po ba ang antibiotic na iniinom ng anak ninyo?”

Mrs 2: “Doc metromanilazol e po.”

Doktor: “Ah baka po metronidazole. ” (Gamot sa amoeba ang metronidazole)
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Ang tawag sa recovery room ng PGH ay PACU (Post-Anesthesia Care Unit)

Doktor: “Mrs., tapos na po ang operasyong ng anak ninyo, punta na Po kayo sa PACU.

Mrs 3: “Eh Doc, saan po sa Paco? Sa may simbahan po ba o sa may palengke?
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Doktor: “Mrs. ano po ba ang sinabi ng dating doktor kung ano daw ang sakit ng inyong anak?”

Mrs 4: “Eh Doc sabi po niya Tragedy of Fallot.

Doktor: “Ah baka po Tetralogy of Fallot (Isang Congenital Heart Disease ang Tetralogy of Fallot)
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Doktor: “Mrs. ano daw po ba ang sakit ng anak ninyo?”

Mrs 5: May ketong daw po.

In-examine ng doktor ang balat ng pasyente. Wala siyang makitang senyales ng ketong. Tumawag pa siya ng isang Dermatologist para mag-examine nang husto. Wala talaga.

Doktor: “Mrs. sigurado po ba kayong ketong ang Sakit ng bata?”

Mrs 5: “Eh iyon po ang sabi ng doktor niya dati. Mataas daw po ang ketong sa ihi dahil may diabetes.”

Doktor: “Ah ketone po yon! (Ang positive ketone sa Ihi ay senyales ng kumplikasyon ng diabetes.)
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Doktor: (Sa buntis na mrs. na nagle-labor) “Mrs.pumutok na po ba ang panubigan mo?”

Mrs 6: ”Eh Doc, wala naman po akong narinig na pagsabog.” (Hanep!)
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Eto ay kwento ng aking reviewer noon: Sa states, ang basa nila sa PACU is PAKYU. Maarte kase sila. Then one time may isang Filipino nurse…

FilNurse: Where is Dr. Smith?
AmHeadnurse: PACU (pronounced as PAKYU)
FilNurse: Pakyu too! nagtatanong ng maayos, mumurahin mo ako!! PI MO!