A Choice of Hymns

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his

congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

JAPAN PRIME MINISTER MEETS PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON

Here's a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US when the President was Bill Clinton.

Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets with President Bill Clinton.

The instructor told Mori " Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. ?

Then Mr Clinton should say "I am fine, and you ?"

Now you should say 'me too'.

Afterwards we translators, will do all the work for you." It looked quite simple, but ....

When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You ?".

Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor

"Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha ha..."

Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha ha.."

Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.

Skidrow1140 po...

SOME FUNNY STORIES

It was a really hot day. The village idiot decided that he needed a cool drink, so he went to a vending machine.He put some change in, and a can came out.The idiot popped a few more coins into the slot and another can rolled down.Excited, he continued to feed the machine.Pretty soon, a line formed behind him. Finally, a woman yelled, "hurry up! We're all hot and thirsty." "No way," the idiot said." I'm still winning."

Q: What did one DNA say to another DNA?

A:Do these genes make me look fat?

One afternoon a man was a driving home when a cow ran across the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the animal and ran off into a muddy ditch. A farmer with a horse came along and offered to help. He uncoiled a rope and tied one end to the car and the other end to the horse."pull, Robert,pull," the farmer yelled.Then he yelled again. "pulled, Diego, pull." He called out one more time, "pull , Billy, pull." At this , the horse strained against the rope and pulled the car from the ditch.

The grateful yet confused motorist asked,"Why did you yell out three names when you have only one horse?" "My horse is blind," the farmer explained."If he finds out he's the only one doing the pulling, he won't move"

Two men are sitting next to each other at a London bar. "I was listening to you speak," says one, "and i can't help thingking, are you from DEVON?" "Yes, I am!" says the other proudly,."So am I! says the first man. "Where in devon are you from?" "Barnstaple." "Me too! Which street?" "Stanley Avenue." "My God,it"s a small wrild," says the first man. That's where i grew up.Which school did you go to? St Mary's Grammar, of course, says his companion. I left in 1968. The good Lord must be smiling down upon us.I went to St Mary"s and left in 1968 too. Can you believe we both ended up in the same pub tonight? Jusr then, another man walks into the pub and orders a beer.The barman walks over, shaking his head. It's going to be a long night, he says. The hodgkins twins are drunk again.

Two dogs were out for a walk. One dog says to other , Wait here a minute. I'll be right back. He walks across the street and sniffs a fire hydrant for about a minute, then rejoin his friend. What was that all about? the other dog asks. Just checking my message.

A suspect was arrested for beating a guy in a rice field with a small ceramic figurine.It's the first case on record of a knick-knack paddy whack.

My wife was in labour with our first child.Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't , couldn't , wouldn't , didn't , can't.

Doctor , what's wrong with my wife? I asked. She having contractions, silly.

Late one night the political candidate came home and gave his wife the glorious news: "Darling, I've been elected!" "Honestly?" she replied. "Hey," the politician said, frowning, "why bring that up?"

Lawyers are leaving their mark everywhere. Today I went to the aquarium and saw a sign that said "Alleged Killer Whale."

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the bowling league records were destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A young actor was excited at getting his first job and rushed home to tell his father. "Guess what," he says. I play a man who's been married for 30 years.

"Never mind, son," says his father. "I'm sure you'll get a speaking part next time.

(From Reader's Digest)

TINOLA ON HEAVEN

This morning, Tita Neneng died. My dearest friend was 83 years old. Who was she? She was God's love to me. Really. Let me tell you her incredible story.

She was a short, plumpish, silver-haired, never-been-married woman with a contagious laugh and a heart as big as a boat. For years, she was a very successful businesswoman who owned a gigantic canteen in a hospital. All her life, she cooked and fed people. If she fed a human being and that human being said, "Sarap!" (Delicious!), she was in heaven.

I first met Tita Neneng in 1980, when she joined our tiny prayer group, Light of Jesus. After a few weeks, I noticed how people loved her. As their leader, people greeted me with respect. But when Tita Neneng walked into the prayer group, everyone stood up and adored her. Because each week, without fail, she brought a humongous pot of steaming Tinola (chicken soup) for everyone. Here's a secret I'd like to share with you…

She Was My Second Mother

One day, when I was only 18 years old, Tita Neneng pulled me aside and pressed a thick, white envelope in my hand. "Brother Bo," she said, "I know you've been praying for a car. Instead of just praying for it, I'm giving you money to buy a second-hand car."

I couldn't believe my eyes. It was fifty thousand pesos in cash. It was the biggest amount I've ever held in my hand. In 1984, P50,000 was huge money.

But I simply couldn't buy the car for myself. So months later, I told her, "Tita Neneng, I'm donating your money to the community. We need a community van more than I need a personal car." She understood. "That's up to you, Bo."

She was like a second mother to me. Whenever she saw me, she'd give me food, stories, and laughter.

And when community needed money, she'd be the first person I'd call. "Tita Neneng, I want to buy a small piece of property for our community office. Will you help me?" She didn't even ask me to explain. She pulled out her checkbook and wrote a check for P100, 000. (Today, that would be worth P500, 000.) Our office building is now sitting on that same property.

And when I ran out of money for the salaries of our full-time staffers, I called her up. When I greeted her, "Hi Tita Neneng," she didn't even let me speak. She just said, "I have a check for you. Visit me."

But something happened when she was 70 years old…

She Left Everything For Love

She suffered a massive heart attack. So massive, she died—for one minute. Thankfully, the doctors were able to revive her.

I visited her in the hospital and I was shocked by her request. Even as she was still lying down in bed, this 70-year old woman said, "Brother Bo, I want to serve the Lord." I said, "Tita Neneng, you're already serving the Lord."

"No," she said, "I want to serve in Anawim," she said. "This is now my second life. Please let me live with the poor and cook for them everyday."

Anawim was a ministry for the poorest of the poor that I started the year before. We housed the abandoned elderly in a 5-hectare property in Montalban.

Tita Neneng left everything—her big house, her air-conditioned room, and her brand new van. And she also left her businesses. She lived in Anawim and took over the kitchen.

Tita Neneng moved into one of the houses where the poor old women we'd pick up from the streets stayed. In that house, she would share the same toilet with these street people.

It wasn't an easy life. During these early years of Anawim, we didn't even have electricity or running water.

But everyday, with great love, she'd cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner for hundreds of our Anawim residents. Indeed, we called her the Mother of Anawim.

Many times, she'd pull out her own money and give it to the ministry. Until one day, she said with a laugh, "Brother Bo, I don't have money anymore. It's all gone." She gave everything. Her strength. Her time. Her money. Her life.

The Happiest Woman I've Ever Met

Many times, we'd talk over lunch. She loved telling me, "Brother Bo, I can die right now. I'm so happy. What else will I ask for?" Every time she'd say these lines, she'd cry tears of joy. Believe me. She was one of the happiest persons I've ever met in my life.

Today, after 13 years of service to the poorest of the poor, she suffered another heart attack. This time, God didn't let go of her.

Heaven is now celebrating. No wonder. God and his Angels must like Tinola too. Do you want to be happy? Serve the Lord like Tita Neneng. It's the greatest thing on planet earth.

KNOW OTHERS WITH THEIR HOROSPCOPES

CAPRICORN The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be Unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they want.

AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality.

PISCES - The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful.

ARIES - The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19)
Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egoti stical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic.

TAURUS - The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20)
Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings who are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard -- passionate. Expresses themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulges themselves often. Very generous. 12 years of good Luck if you forward

GEMINI - The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20)
Smart and witty. Outgoing , very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable but needs to express them selves. Argumentative and outspoken. Like change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

CANCER - The Protector (June 21 - July 22)
Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

LEO - The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22)
Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help Others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive.

VIRGO - The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Dominant In relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic.

LIBRA - The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible.

SCORPIO - The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long Relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and Emotional.

SAGITTARIUS - The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out