It was a really hot day. The village idiot decided that he needed a cool drink, so he went to a vending machine.He put some change in, and a can came out.The idiot popped a few more coins into the slot and another can rolled down.Excited, he continued to feed the machine.Pretty soon, a line formed behind him. Finally, a woman yelled, "hurry up! We're all hot and thirsty." "No way," the idiot said." I'm still winning."
Q: What did one DNA say to another DNA?
A:Do these genes make me look fat?
One afternoon a man was a driving home when a cow ran across the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the animal and ran off into a muddy ditch. A farmer with a horse came along and offered to help. He uncoiled a rope and tied one end to the car and the other end to the horse."pull, Robert,pull," the farmer yelled.Then he yelled again. "pulled, Diego, pull." He called out one more time, "pull , Billy, pull." At this , the horse strained against the rope and pulled the car from the ditch.
The grateful yet confused motorist asked,"Why did you yell out three names when you have only one horse?" "My horse is blind," the farmer explained."If he finds out he's the only one doing the pulling, he won't move"
Two men are sitting next to each other at a London bar. "I was listening to you speak," says one, "and i can't help thingking, are you from DEVON?" "Yes, I am!" says the other proudly,."So am I! says the first man. "Where in devon are you from?" "Barnstaple." "Me too! Which street?" "Stanley Avenue." "My God,it"s a small wrild," says the first man. That's where i grew up.Which school did you go to? St Mary's Grammar, of course, says his companion. I left in 1968. The good Lord must be smiling down upon us.I went to St Mary"s and left in 1968 too. Can you believe we both ended up in the same pub tonight? Jusr then, another man walks into the pub and orders a beer.The barman walks over, shaking his head. It's going to be a long night, he says. The hodgkins twins are drunk again.
Two dogs were out for a walk. One dog says to other , Wait here a minute. I'll be right back. He walks across the street and sniffs a fire hydrant for about a minute, then rejoin his friend. What was that all about? the other dog asks. Just checking my message.
A suspect was arrested for beating a guy in a rice field with a small ceramic figurine.It's the first case on record of a knick-knack paddy whack.
My wife was in labour with our first child.Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't , couldn't , wouldn't , didn't , can't.
Doctor , what's wrong with my wife? I asked. She having contractions, silly.
Late one night the political candidate came home and gave his wife the glorious news: "Darling, I've been elected!" "Honestly?" she replied. "Hey," the politician said, frowning, "why bring that up?"
Lawyers are leaving their mark everywhere. Today I went to the aquarium and saw a sign that said "Alleged Killer Whale."
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the bowling league records were destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A young actor was excited at getting his first job and rushed home to tell his father. "Guess what," he says. I play a man who's been married for 30 years.
"Never mind, son," says his father. "I'm sure you'll get a speaking part next time.
(From Reader's Digest)
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