SOME JOKE

SA BAKERY

Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake.
Ale: Aba , sosyal ka ah! Namalimos ka lang , gusto mo pang cake.. eto pandesal!
Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Bday ko kaya today?!?

Honeymoon...

BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako.
GROOM- Kaya mo ito. Di ba dati may alaga kang ahas?
BRIDE- Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!!


Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!
Anak: Kapag yung baboy natin malakas kumain, natutuwa ka. Sino ba talaga ang anak mo, ako o ung baboy? Umayos ka nay! Wag ganun!


BF : May ibibigay akong gift sa iyo, pero hulaan mo muna!
GF: Sige, clue naman...
BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.
GF: Kwintas?
BF: Hindi... PANGHILOD! SMILE!!!

(Sa loob ng Mall)

GUY: LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
Jowa: Ang pangit pangit naman!
GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since...

JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari?
ERAP: ? (di nagsasalita)
JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking?


NARS: doc, bat tinanggihan nyo yung pasyente?
DR: alin, yung bakla?
NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porke bading siya.
DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya?


FROG: what does my future hold?
FAIRY: you'll meet someone who wants to know everything about you.
FROG: great! Will I meet her in a party?
FAIRY: no. in biology class


Things you don't want to hear during your own surgery:

-san yung gunting na bago? Bat may kalawang to?
-10ml? may nakasurvive na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang !
-doc, ubos na po pala yung anesthesia.
-kanina pa bukas yung tiyan, asan yung pantahi?
-sunog! Sunog! Labas lahat!


inspiring quote of the day:

"hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos kasipagan ko."


MRS: hon, am I pretty or ugly?
MR: uhm.. both..
MRS: anong both? Pwedeng pretty and ugly?
MR: ang ibig ko sabihin, you're pretty ugly.


TEACHER: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
PEDRO: ako ma'am! Ako ma'am!
TEACHER: okay Pedro , what is science?
PEDRO: science is our lesson for today.


AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay. (nilabas ni Inday)
INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
PULUBI: oh! I'm so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!) NOSEBLEED!!


BOB: nakakamagkano ka sa 1 araw?
PULUBI: nag-uumpisa kasi ako ng 8am . Ngayon 9am na. naka 80 na ko.
BOB: hindi din masama noh? Ano mabibili mo niyan?
PULUBI: pwede na tong isang espresso macchiato sa starbucks!

DOC: umubo ka!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: ubo pa!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: okay.
PEDRO: ano po ba sakit ko doc?
DOC: may ubo ka.


in a miss gay pageant:

HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic crisis?
BAKLA: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala!


1. Trulalu.
2. eklavu
3. eklavu.
4. trulalu
5. eklavu
6. trulalu
7. trulalu.
8. eklavu
9. trulalu
10. trulalu
-batang bading nagsasagot ng true or false na quiz.


MEKANIKO: sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo.
CUSTOMER: ha?! Pano yan?
MEKANIKO: nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina! Happy trip na lang po!


Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya.

Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya ito sakin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo.
Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!


BOY: dad, tulong naman sa assignment ko. Find the least common denominator daw.
DAD: ha? aba'y elementary pa lang ako eh hinahanap na nila yan ah! Aba'y di pa ba nila nakikita?


Anong sabi ng centipede nung may nakasalubong siyang isang centipede? "uy pare. Apir!apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!.... ......


Imagine if all straight guys are talking in gay lingo.

STUDENT: bakit di mo chinuva yung girlalu? Malaki naman ang susey ng lola mo ah.
HUNK: Winnie cordero nga dude sa susey, Melanie marquez naman sa brainwaves. Wit na.
Jaworski while coaching: keber sa kalaban! Just focus! We cannot afford to luz valdez ! Getlakin niyo yung last freethrow! Windangin yung mga julaban!
Ok! Go for the gold to the highest level mga chorva! Gow lang ! gow lang ng gow!


BOY1: nakakakawa naman lola mo.
BOY2: bakit?
BOY1: nakasabay ko kasi magsimba nung isang araw, ubo ng ubo.
Pinagtitinginan nga ng tao.
BOY2: papansin lang yun!
BOY1: bakit?
BOY2: bago kasi blouse niya!


A boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:
If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?
SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!


TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka?
MGA BATA: eeewwww!

BOY: is this your first time?
GIRL: (angrily) oo naman noh. You guys talaga. So kuleeet! Always asking me the same question. Paulit-ulit. Hmp!


Magsyota sa motel.

BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.
GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!
BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!


STUDENT: ma'am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa?
TEACHER: natural hindi.
STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!


TITSER: bat ka na-late?
EDWARD: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.
TITSER: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?
EDWARD: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya.


Sa kasalan

PARI: sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.
GROOM: eto P5, father.
Tinignan ng pari ang bride.
PARI: eto P4 sukli mo iho.


Sabi nung friend ko, nakakalaki daw ng tiyan ang beer. Kasi noon minsan nalasing siya, nabuntis siya!


Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.

ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!


SA OSPITAL.....

WIFE: hon, nahirapan ako huminga.
HUSBAND: kung nahirapan ka ng huminga, itigil mo na.
GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado!


INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
[pagkatapos tawagan.]
ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot.
INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh! Anong sabi?
ANAK: 'you only have zero pesos in your account...' hindi ko na tinapos nay mukhang matapobre.



nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko lang siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.
BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
ERAP: bobo! Seedless to!


ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?
NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.
ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!
NANAY: bakit?
ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh!


thought to ponder:

hindi kaya ang dahilan ng pagbaha sa panahon ni Noah ay pinutol niya lahat ng puno para gumawa ng napaka laking arko? ano sa tingin mo?


kung totoo ang ' Darwin 's theory of evolution' na ang tao ay nagmula sa
unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo?



DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali sa paluwagan.
PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
DORAY: bakit mare?
PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako.


Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.
ATTENDANT: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.
ERAP: hay salamat. Akala ko bago.

PRISON VS. WORK

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a little bit more clear. . . .

IN PRISON . . . you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK. . . . you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON . . . you get three meals a day.
AT WORK . .. . you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON . . . you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK . . . you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON . . . the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK . . . you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
for yourself.

IN PRISON . . . you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK . . .. you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON . . . you get your own toilet.
AT WORK . . . you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON . . . they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK .. .. . you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON . . . all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
AT WORK . . . you pay all the expenses to go to work and pay taxes from
your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON . . . you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK . . . you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.

IN PRISON . . . you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK . .. . they are called managers.

RENT NEGOTIATION

A proper man met a beautiful woman and agreed to pay $500 for a night with her. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his administrative assistant write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his administrative assistant send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed, please find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) It had never been occupied
2) There was plenty of heat
3) It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the woman immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size - if you haven't enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.

Out Of The Office Replys

* You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

* Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.

* I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

* I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

* Sorry to have missed you but I am in hospital having a frontal lobotomy so that I may be promoted to management

* I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on dd/mm. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

* 'The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

* Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

* Hi! I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

* Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

* I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Kylie' instead of 'Steve'.

A Choice of Hymns

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his

congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

JAPAN PRIME MINISTER MEETS PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON

Here's a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US when the President was Bill Clinton.

Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets with President Bill Clinton.

The instructor told Mori " Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. ?

Then Mr Clinton should say "I am fine, and you ?"

Now you should say 'me too'.

Afterwards we translators, will do all the work for you." It looked quite simple, but ....

When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You ?".

Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor

"Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha ha..."

Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha ha.."

Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.

Skidrow1140 po...

SOME FUNNY STORIES

It was a really hot day. The village idiot decided that he needed a cool drink, so he went to a vending machine.He put some change in, and a can came out.The idiot popped a few more coins into the slot and another can rolled down.Excited, he continued to feed the machine.Pretty soon, a line formed behind him. Finally, a woman yelled, "hurry up! We're all hot and thirsty." "No way," the idiot said." I'm still winning."

Q: What did one DNA say to another DNA?

A:Do these genes make me look fat?

One afternoon a man was a driving home when a cow ran across the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the animal and ran off into a muddy ditch. A farmer with a horse came along and offered to help. He uncoiled a rope and tied one end to the car and the other end to the horse."pull, Robert,pull," the farmer yelled.Then he yelled again. "pulled, Diego, pull." He called out one more time, "pull , Billy, pull." At this , the horse strained against the rope and pulled the car from the ditch.

The grateful yet confused motorist asked,"Why did you yell out three names when you have only one horse?" "My horse is blind," the farmer explained."If he finds out he's the only one doing the pulling, he won't move"

Two men are sitting next to each other at a London bar. "I was listening to you speak," says one, "and i can't help thingking, are you from DEVON?" "Yes, I am!" says the other proudly,."So am I! says the first man. "Where in devon are you from?" "Barnstaple." "Me too! Which street?" "Stanley Avenue." "My God,it"s a small wrild," says the first man. That's where i grew up.Which school did you go to? St Mary's Grammar, of course, says his companion. I left in 1968. The good Lord must be smiling down upon us.I went to St Mary"s and left in 1968 too. Can you believe we both ended up in the same pub tonight? Jusr then, another man walks into the pub and orders a beer.The barman walks over, shaking his head. It's going to be a long night, he says. The hodgkins twins are drunk again.

Two dogs were out for a walk. One dog says to other , Wait here a minute. I'll be right back. He walks across the street and sniffs a fire hydrant for about a minute, then rejoin his friend. What was that all about? the other dog asks. Just checking my message.

A suspect was arrested for beating a guy in a rice field with a small ceramic figurine.It's the first case on record of a knick-knack paddy whack.

My wife was in labour with our first child.Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't , couldn't , wouldn't , didn't , can't.

Doctor , what's wrong with my wife? I asked. She having contractions, silly.

Late one night the political candidate came home and gave his wife the glorious news: "Darling, I've been elected!" "Honestly?" she replied. "Hey," the politician said, frowning, "why bring that up?"

Lawyers are leaving their mark everywhere. Today I went to the aquarium and saw a sign that said "Alleged Killer Whale."

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the bowling league records were destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A young actor was excited at getting his first job and rushed home to tell his father. "Guess what," he says. I play a man who's been married for 30 years.

"Never mind, son," says his father. "I'm sure you'll get a speaking part next time.

(From Reader's Digest)

SIGNS YOU ARE IN A OFFICE HELL

Ang lobby guard niyo ay si Palito alias Rambuto.

Ang time administrator niyo ay si Cherie Gil at ang morning greeting niya with a smile ay... "Welcome to hell..."

Ang HR head niyo ay si Bella Flores at ang Employee Relations Officer ay si Odette Khan at ang HR Staffing head ay si Dexter Doria... At pag pumasok ka na walang
ID o hindi naka-uniform... kakaladkarin ka nila sa buhok palabas ng opisina pagkatapos kang pagsasampalin.

Ang Employee Benefits head ay si Lolit Solis... cge... magreklamo ka na maliit ang sueldo mo... cgeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... I dare you!!!!

Tuwing may problema ang kompanya, ang Corporate Communications head niyo na si Cristy Fermin ang nagbibigay ng official company statement... at ang simula nang kanyang presscon ay... "Galing ito sa isang reliable source at itataya ko ang buhay at karangalan ko dito... wala akong libel case na inuurungan..."

Ang official company driver niyo ay si Vandolph. Do I have to explain?

Kapag kasama mo mag-OT si German Moreno... walang tulugan!

Ang Legal Investigator niyo ay si Tony Falcon at ang assistant niya ay si Wengweng... paminsan minsan ay tumutulong si Ricky Lo at Madam Auring bilang consultant.

Tuwing bubuksan mo ang filing cabinet andun si Mahal sa loob para iabot ang file na hinahanap mo.

Nung huling company anniversary ay sumayaw ka ng nakadamit babae at sumayaw sa tugtog na "ang ganda ko... feel na feel ang long hair ko..." kinabukasan dumating si Robin Padilla para itanong sa yo kung niloloko mo ang kapatid niya...

Messenger niyo si Kuya Cesar.

Si Boy Abunda ang career counselor mo at tuwing me problema ka ang tanong niya ay... "Mag-usap tayo kaibigan... kung nasa harap ka ng salamin ano ang sasabihin mo sa iyong sarili?"

Si Love Añover ang voice behind your automated phone system. "Mga katsokaran... ip you chuva da number eklavu... dependots 1... ips not... luz valdez... charing!"

Ang Office Security niyo ay binubuo ng Tulfo Brothers... bigla silang darating sa opisina mo at sasabihin "Hephephep... nag-uuwi ka ng bond paper... tarantadong to ah... manggagantsong butete ka!!!" At pag tumanggi ka... ipapanood nila sa yo ang
hidden camera shots na nagpupuslit ka ng 2 pirasong bond paper mula sa printer... habang pinoposasan ka ng mga pulis.

Nung Halloween party niyo ang costume mo ay Lizardo... at dun mo rin first time na-meet ang anak ng may-ari na ang pangalan ay Tristan... alias Panday. Next halloween me tribute sa buhay mo na ipapalabas.

Tuwing pasko ang prize committee head ay si Bernadette Sembrano at Vicky Morales. Taon taon din ay nanalo ko ng bananacue at pedicab showcase. At nangangarap ka na
sana next time si Willie naman para me jeepney.

Si Michael Fajatin ang laging nagpe-present ng annual report niyo... "Mga Igan... nung umabot sa PhP50M ang ating kinita... kumita tayo ng PhP50M... matapos nating
magtrabaho ng matindi kumita tayo ng PhP50M pero bago yan ay nagtrabaho muna tayo saka tayo kumita ng PhP50M."

Boss mo si Big Brother... at alam niya na lampas 15 minutes ka nag-coffee break kaya kailangan mo mag-type nang gamit ang ilong mo hanggang patawarin ka niya.

Kaopisina mo si Arnold Clavio at pag naka-leave siya... OIC niya si Arn-Arn.

At ang number 1 sign na you're in OFFICE HELL...department head mo si Mike enriquez... AT HINDI NIYA KAYO TATANTANAN!!!!

Sister Mathematical (SM) and Sister Logical (SL)

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

MGA KASABIHANG BINAGO NG PANAHON

Ang taong nagigipit...sa bumbay kumakapit

Pag may usok...may nag-iihaw

Dont judge the book by its cover... if u are not a judge or else you will cover the book!

Ang taong naglalakad nang matulin... may utang.

No guts, no glory... no ID, no entry

Birds of the same feather that prays together... stays together.

Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot, may nandukot

Ang buhay ay parang bato, it's hard

Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na tao

Ang taong di marunong lumingon sa kanyang pinanggalingan .... ay may stiff neck.

Birds of the same feather make a good feather duster.

Kapag may tiyaga, may nilaga.

Kapag may taga, may tahi.

Huli man daw at magaling, undertime pa rin.

To err is human, to errs is humans.

Ang naglalakad ng matulin, late na sa appointment

Matalino man ang matsing, matsing pa rin.

Better late than later...

Aanhin ang palasyo kung ang nakatira ay kuwago, mabuti pa ang bahay kubo, sa paligid puno ng linga.

Ang sakit ng kalingkingan, kailangan ng alaxan.

Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling wika,lumaki sa ibang bansa.

Kapag maikli ang kumot, tumang kad ka na!

Better late than pregnant

Behind the clouds are the other clouds

Aanhin pa ang damo.. kung bato na ang uso!

Its better to cheat than to repeat!

Do unto others... then run!!!

Pag di ukol, di bubukol...siya ay baog!

Kung may isinuksok, may mabubuntis!

Kapag puno na ang salop, kumuha na ng ibang salop

Magbiro ka na sa lasing, Magbiro ka na sa bagong gising,'wag lang sa lasing na bagong gising.

When all else fails, follow instructions

No man is an island because time is gold.

An apple a day.. is too expensive.

An apple a day, makes seven apples a week.

An apple a day cannot be an orange a day.

Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay ginto.. muta lang yan.

kapag ang puno mabunga...mataba ang lupa!

When it rains...it floods

Pagkahaba haba man ng prusisyon ..mauubusan din ng kandila

Ang buhay ay parang gulong, minsan nasa ibabaw minsan nasa....vulcanizing shop.

Pag may isinuksok, may ipuputok

Pag may isinuksok, isuksok mo pa, harder!

Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan... sapul.

Try and try until you succeed... or else try another

Ako ang nagsaing... iba ang kumain. diet ako eh.

Huwag magbilang ng manok kung alaga mo ay itik .

Kapag maiksi na ang kumot, bumili ka na ng bago.

Pag may tyaga.. goodluck.

If you can't beat them, shoot them

BADONG MY FATHER

Sometimes you think you know the people that are close to you.. but beware. Please excuse the graphic nature of how this story is told but I believe it is necessary to highlight the important lesson within.

----------------------------

Huwag Po Itay....

Nais kong ibahagi sa inyo ang namagitan sa amin ng aking itay isang gabi. Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang gabing iyon. Malakas ang ulan
noon nguni't maalinsangan ang simoy ng hangin.

Ako ay nagsusuklay sa aking silid, katatapos ko pa lamang maligo at nakatapis pa lamang noon . Narinig kong kumakatok si Itay sa aking pinto. Nang sagutin ko ang pagkatok niya ay sinabi niya na kailangan daw naming mag-usap at humiling na papasukin siya. Binuksan ko ang pinto at siya'y kagyat na pumasok sa aking silid.

Laking pagkagulat ko nang ipinid niya at susian ang pinto. Hinawakan ni Itay ang aking mga kamay, hinaplos-haplos niya ang aking buhok, ang aking mukha, pinaraan niya ang kanyang mga daliri sa aking kilay, sa aking mga pisngi,sa aking mga labi. Napasigaw ako.

"ITAY, huwag, huwag! Ako'y inyong anak! Utang na loob, Itay!" Nguni't parang walang narinig ang aking Itay. Ipinagpatuloy niya ang kanyang ginagawa. Ipinikit ko na lamang ang aking mga mata dahil ayaw kong makita ang mukha ng aking ama habang ipinagpapatuloy niya ang kanyang ginagawa sa akin.

Naririnig ko si Inay sumisigaw habang binabayo ang pinto at nagpipilit na ito'y buksan, "Hayop ka! hayop ka! Huwag mong gawin iyan sa anak mo! Huwag mong sirain ang kanyang kinabukasan".

Subalit wala ring nagawa si Inay, hindi rin siya pinakinggan ni Itay. Nanatili na lamang akong walang katinag-tinag at ipinaubaya ko na lamang ang aking sarili sa anumang gustong gawin ng aking Itay.

Pagkalipas ng ilang oras ay tumigil na rin ang aking Itay. Iniharap niya ako sa salamin ay ganoon na lamang ang aking pagkamangha at pagkagulat sa aking nakita. Magaling naman palang mag-make-up si Itay.

Nang gabing iyon ay nagtapat sa akin ang aking ama. Bakla pala siya. Labis akong nagalak sa galing at husay ng aking ama. Naisip ko na matutuwa ang aking boyfriend dahil lalo akong gumanda ngayon. Niyakap ko si Itay at pareho kaming napaluha sa labis na kagalakan. Masaya na kami ngayon at nabubuhay nang matiwasay.

Lovingly yours,

BADONG

Please scroll to see my father...

ANG BUBULE

(Si Boy Bastos sa Kawalang-Malay)

Walong taon pa lamang ang edad ay ibig nang matutong manligaw ni Boy at nanay niya ang inurirat, na ang sabi'y magtago na lamang siya sa likod ng kanilang kurtina at panoorin sa gabi ng araw na iyon ang pagliligawan ng ate niya't nobyo nito.

Kinaumagahan ay inusisa si Boy ng kanyang nanay sa kung ano ang mga nasilip niya at Natutunan.

"Sa umpisa po," kuwento ni Boy, "ay nagligawan lang ang dalawa. Kanilang pinatay ang ilaw at dim light lang ang iniwang buhay sa salas. Nagyakapan at naghalikan pero sumama ang pakiramdam ni ate. Nag-iba kasi ang itsura ng mukha, eh.

"Kaya ipinasok ng nobyo ang kamay nito sa blusa ni ate at parang doktor na pinakiramdaman ang puso nito.

"Pero tangang doktor! Ang tagal nagkakapa ng kamay ay hindi alam kung saang lugar naroon ang puso!

"Hindi nagtagal ay nagkahawahan na sila ng sakit. Pareho nang hihingal-hingal.

"Inilagay ng nobyo ang kamay nitong may sinat sa ng palda ni ate. Para mainitan, dahil nag-alis pa muna ito ng panty.

"Lalong naging grabe si ate. Nangapos ang hininga, nanigas ang mga paa, at halos mapahiga't magkandahulog sa pagkakaupo. "Iyon ang kataasan ng lagnat. Dahil sabi ni ateng nangangatog,
umuungol at tumitirik ang mga mata'y kinikilig na raw siya.

"Kaya pala sumama ang pakiramdam ng nobyo'y dahil may nakapasok na bubule rito. Umalpas sa harap ng pantalon nito!

"Gusto pang tumakas ng papalag-palag na bubule, pero dinakma ni ate at walang-takot na kinagat sa ulo.

"Ngunit iniluwa rin, dahil siguro'y gumanti ng kagat ang nakasubong bubule.

"Para hindi na makapangagat uli ay hinawakan ng nobyo ang bubule at may isinaklob sa ulo nito.

"Si ate naman ay humiga sa sofa at itinaas ang kanyang mga paa para pitpitin sa pagitan ng mga nakabukaka niyang hita ang ulo ng bubule. "Pati ang nobyo'y dinapaan ang bubule, na nanlabang
mabuti nang ito'y pagpilitang patayin ng dalawa nang papisa sa pagitan nila! "Pikit ang matang sinalubong ng dikdik ni ate ang makasira-ng-sofa'ng bayo ng nobyo roon sa iniipit nilang bubule.

"Kalaunan ay natahimik ang dalawa, walang kakilus-kilos at humihinga na nang maayos. "Nang tumayo ang nobyo'y patay na ang bubule. Nakalungayngay at sabog ang sumambulat na lamanloob.

"Pagod ang dalawa sa matinding laban pero nag-umpisa uli sila sa pagliligawan, pagyayapusan at paghahalikan. Aba'y nabuhay na namang unti-unti ang bubule! "Parang musang na siyam ang buhay! "Dito mabilis na tumayo si ate, hinawakan at inupuan ang bubule, para siya mismo ang pumatay.

"Pagkatapos ng matagal na namang labanan ay namatay na nang tuluyan ang bubule.

"Sigurado po," sabi pa ni Boy. Dahil tinanggal pa ng nobyo ang balat ng bubule, at pagkatapos ay
binuhusan ng tubig doon sa inidoro!" Tulalang mahima-himatay sa narinig ang nanay

Hospital bloopers

Nang mag-rotate ako as intern sa Pediatrics ng PGH , mahal na mahal talaga ng mga nanay ang kanilang mga anak na may sakit. Pilit nilang tinatandaan ang mga gamot at tawag sa sakit ng kanilang anak.

Doktor: “Mrs. ano po ang mga gamot na iniinom ng anak niyo?”

Mrs 1 : “Doc phenobarbiedol l po.”

Doktor: “Ah baka po phenobarbital. ” (Gamot sa convulsion ang phenobarbital)
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Doktor: “Mrs. ano po ba ang antibiotic na iniinom ng anak ninyo?”

Mrs 2: “Doc metromanilazol e po.”

Doktor: “Ah baka po metronidazole. ” (Gamot sa amoeba ang metronidazole)
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Ang tawag sa recovery room ng PGH ay PACU (Post-Anesthesia Care Unit)

Doktor: “Mrs., tapos na po ang operasyong ng anak ninyo, punta na Po kayo sa PACU.

Mrs 3: “Eh Doc, saan po sa Paco? Sa may simbahan po ba o sa may palengke?
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Doktor: “Mrs. ano po ba ang sinabi ng dating doktor kung ano daw ang sakit ng inyong anak?”

Mrs 4: “Eh Doc sabi po niya Tragedy of Fallot.

Doktor: “Ah baka po Tetralogy of Fallot (Isang Congenital Heart Disease ang Tetralogy of Fallot)
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Doktor: “Mrs. ano daw po ba ang sakit ng anak ninyo?”

Mrs 5: May ketong daw po.

In-examine ng doktor ang balat ng pasyente. Wala siyang makitang senyales ng ketong. Tumawag pa siya ng isang Dermatologist para mag-examine nang husto. Wala talaga.

Doktor: “Mrs. sigurado po ba kayong ketong ang Sakit ng bata?”

Mrs 5: “Eh iyon po ang sabi ng doktor niya dati. Mataas daw po ang ketong sa ihi dahil may diabetes.”

Doktor: “Ah ketone po yon! (Ang positive ketone sa Ihi ay senyales ng kumplikasyon ng diabetes.)
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Doktor: (Sa buntis na mrs. na nagle-labor) “Mrs.pumutok na po ba ang panubigan mo?”

Mrs 6: ”Eh Doc, wala naman po akong narinig na pagsabog.” (Hanep!)
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Eto ay kwento ng aking reviewer noon: Sa states, ang basa nila sa PACU is PAKYU. Maarte kase sila. Then one time may isang Filipino nurse…

FilNurse: Where is Dr. Smith?
AmHeadnurse: PACU (pronounced as PAKYU)
FilNurse: Pakyu too! nagtatanong ng maayos, mumurahin mo ako!! PI MO!

FIRST GRADER?

An idle mind is... the best way to relax?

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders, there are some really good ones. A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of the proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

Their insight may surprise you:

Better to be safe than ------------------------ punch a 5th grader
Never under estimate the power of ---------- termites
You can lead a horse to water but ------------ how?
Don't bite the hand that ---------------------- looks dirty
No news is ----------------------------------- impossible
A miss is as good as a ------------------------ Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new --------------- math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll -------------- stink in the morning
Love all, trust ------------------------------- me
The pen is mightier than the ---------------- pigs
An idle mind is ------------------------------ the best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's ---------------- pollution
Happy the! bride who ----------------------- gets all the presents
A penny saved is ---------------------------- not much
Two's company, three's --------------------- the Musketeers
Don't put off till tomorrow what ------------- you put on to go to bed
None are so blind as ------------------------- Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not ------------- spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed ------------------ get new batteries
You get out of something what you ---------- see pictured on the box
When the blind lead the the blind ------------ get out of the way

LIFE'S MEANING

On the first day, God created the dog and said :

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

THE PRINCIPAL, TEACHER, AND STUDENT

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students the teacher asked,"Boy. What is your problem? The boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too! Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office.

While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: What is 3 x 3? Boy: 9.

Principal: What is 6 x 6? Boy: 36.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade." Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?" The principal and Boy both agree.

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Boy, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Boy: "Pockets."

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge. Boy: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer... Boy: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Boy: Yep.

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg. Boy: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Boy: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow > Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in ‘K’ that means lot of heat and excitement? Boy: Fire truck

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don’t get it u have to use your hand. Boy: Fork

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? Boy: SURNAME

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love? Boy: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, “Send this Boy to College, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"*