SOME JOKE

SA BAKERY

Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake.
Ale: Aba , sosyal ka ah! Namalimos ka lang , gusto mo pang cake.. eto pandesal!
Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Bday ko kaya today?!?

Honeymoon...

BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako.
GROOM- Kaya mo ito. Di ba dati may alaga kang ahas?
BRIDE- Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!!


Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!
Anak: Kapag yung baboy natin malakas kumain, natutuwa ka. Sino ba talaga ang anak mo, ako o ung baboy? Umayos ka nay! Wag ganun!


BF : May ibibigay akong gift sa iyo, pero hulaan mo muna!
GF: Sige, clue naman...
BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.
GF: Kwintas?
BF: Hindi... PANGHILOD! SMILE!!!

(Sa loob ng Mall)

GUY: LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
Jowa: Ang pangit pangit naman!
GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since...

JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari?
ERAP: ? (di nagsasalita)
JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking?


NARS: doc, bat tinanggihan nyo yung pasyente?
DR: alin, yung bakla?
NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porke bading siya.
DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya?


FROG: what does my future hold?
FAIRY: you'll meet someone who wants to know everything about you.
FROG: great! Will I meet her in a party?
FAIRY: no. in biology class


Things you don't want to hear during your own surgery:

-san yung gunting na bago? Bat may kalawang to?
-10ml? may nakasurvive na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang !
-doc, ubos na po pala yung anesthesia.
-kanina pa bukas yung tiyan, asan yung pantahi?
-sunog! Sunog! Labas lahat!


inspiring quote of the day:

"hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos kasipagan ko."


MRS: hon, am I pretty or ugly?
MR: uhm.. both..
MRS: anong both? Pwedeng pretty and ugly?
MR: ang ibig ko sabihin, you're pretty ugly.


TEACHER: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
PEDRO: ako ma'am! Ako ma'am!
TEACHER: okay Pedro , what is science?
PEDRO: science is our lesson for today.


AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay. (nilabas ni Inday)
INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
PULUBI: oh! I'm so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!) NOSEBLEED!!


BOB: nakakamagkano ka sa 1 araw?
PULUBI: nag-uumpisa kasi ako ng 8am . Ngayon 9am na. naka 80 na ko.
BOB: hindi din masama noh? Ano mabibili mo niyan?
PULUBI: pwede na tong isang espresso macchiato sa starbucks!

DOC: umubo ka!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: ubo pa!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: okay.
PEDRO: ano po ba sakit ko doc?
DOC: may ubo ka.


in a miss gay pageant:

HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic crisis?
BAKLA: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala!


1. Trulalu.
2. eklavu
3. eklavu.
4. trulalu
5. eklavu
6. trulalu
7. trulalu.
8. eklavu
9. trulalu
10. trulalu
-batang bading nagsasagot ng true or false na quiz.


MEKANIKO: sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo.
CUSTOMER: ha?! Pano yan?
MEKANIKO: nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina! Happy trip na lang po!


Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya.

Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya ito sakin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo.
Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!


BOY: dad, tulong naman sa assignment ko. Find the least common denominator daw.
DAD: ha? aba'y elementary pa lang ako eh hinahanap na nila yan ah! Aba'y di pa ba nila nakikita?


Anong sabi ng centipede nung may nakasalubong siyang isang centipede? "uy pare. Apir!apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!.... ......


Imagine if all straight guys are talking in gay lingo.

STUDENT: bakit di mo chinuva yung girlalu? Malaki naman ang susey ng lola mo ah.
HUNK: Winnie cordero nga dude sa susey, Melanie marquez naman sa brainwaves. Wit na.
Jaworski while coaching: keber sa kalaban! Just focus! We cannot afford to luz valdez ! Getlakin niyo yung last freethrow! Windangin yung mga julaban!
Ok! Go for the gold to the highest level mga chorva! Gow lang ! gow lang ng gow!


BOY1: nakakakawa naman lola mo.
BOY2: bakit?
BOY1: nakasabay ko kasi magsimba nung isang araw, ubo ng ubo.
Pinagtitinginan nga ng tao.
BOY2: papansin lang yun!
BOY1: bakit?
BOY2: bago kasi blouse niya!


A boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:
If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?
SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!


TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka?
MGA BATA: eeewwww!

BOY: is this your first time?
GIRL: (angrily) oo naman noh. You guys talaga. So kuleeet! Always asking me the same question. Paulit-ulit. Hmp!


Magsyota sa motel.

BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.
GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!
BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!


STUDENT: ma'am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa?
TEACHER: natural hindi.
STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!


TITSER: bat ka na-late?
EDWARD: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.
TITSER: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?
EDWARD: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya.


Sa kasalan

PARI: sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.
GROOM: eto P5, father.
Tinignan ng pari ang bride.
PARI: eto P4 sukli mo iho.


Sabi nung friend ko, nakakalaki daw ng tiyan ang beer. Kasi noon minsan nalasing siya, nabuntis siya!


Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.

ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!


SA OSPITAL.....

WIFE: hon, nahirapan ako huminga.
HUSBAND: kung nahirapan ka ng huminga, itigil mo na.
GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado!


INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
[pagkatapos tawagan.]
ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot.
INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh! Anong sabi?
ANAK: 'you only have zero pesos in your account...' hindi ko na tinapos nay mukhang matapobre.



nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko lang siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.
BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
ERAP: bobo! Seedless to!


ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?
NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.
ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!
NANAY: bakit?
ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh!


thought to ponder:

hindi kaya ang dahilan ng pagbaha sa panahon ni Noah ay pinutol niya lahat ng puno para gumawa ng napaka laking arko? ano sa tingin mo?


kung totoo ang ' Darwin 's theory of evolution' na ang tao ay nagmula sa
unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo?



DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali sa paluwagan.
PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
DORAY: bakit mare?
PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako.


Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.
ATTENDANT: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.
ERAP: hay salamat. Akala ko bago.

PRISON VS. WORK

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a little bit more clear. . . .

IN PRISON . . . you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK. . . . you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON . . . you get three meals a day.
AT WORK . .. . you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON . . . you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK . . . you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON . . . the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK . . . you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
for yourself.

IN PRISON . . . you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK . . .. you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON . . . you get your own toilet.
AT WORK . . . you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON . . . they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK .. .. . you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON . . . all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
AT WORK . . . you pay all the expenses to go to work and pay taxes from
your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON . . . you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK . . . you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.

IN PRISON . . . you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK . .. . they are called managers.

TIME

A young man learns what's most important in life from the man next door. It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way.

In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with those important to him.

He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him. Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night.

The funeral is Wednesday."

Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.

"Jack, did you hear me?" "Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said. "Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing? He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over "his side of the fence" as he put it, Mom told him. "I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said. "You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr.Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said. "He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important... Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said. As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown.

Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away. The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time.

Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time.

The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture....Jack stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked.

"The box is gone," he said.

"What box?" Mom asked.

"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most,'" Jack said. It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.

"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read.

Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold Belser," it read. Jack took the box out to his

car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside.

"Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch.

Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved: "Jack,

Thanks for your time! - Harold Belser."

"The thing he valued most...was...my time"

Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked. "I need some time to spend with my son," he said. "Oh, by the way, Janet...thanks for your time!" "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away."

RENT NEGOTIATION

A proper man met a beautiful woman and agreed to pay $500 for a night with her. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his administrative assistant write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his administrative assistant send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed, please find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) It had never been occupied
2) There was plenty of heat
3) It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the woman immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size - if you haven't enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.

IMPLANTS = THE LATEST CRAZE

Man walks into a bar, with his thumb in his ear, talking into his little finger.

"What are you doing?" , the bartender asks.

"I'm on the phone ," the guy explains, "implants.. it's the latest thing. There's a microphone in my finger, a speaker in my thumb, and a keypad on the palm of my hand. It's fantastic."

The bartender is astonished, and the guy goes to sit down & drink his beer.

Ten minutes later, he rushes out of the bar into the Men's room. The bartender hears groans and screams coming from behind the door, so he goes to investigate.

He walks into the bathroom to see the guy, finger to mouth and thumb in ear, on the floor with his trousers round his ankles, groaning in agony.

"What is it, can I help?" the bartender asks, worried.

"No..," the guy grunts back, "it's okay... I'm just waiting for a fax to come through..."

Out Of The Office Replys

* You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

* Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.

* I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

* I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

* Sorry to have missed you but I am in hospital having a frontal lobotomy so that I may be promoted to management

* I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on dd/mm. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

* 'The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

* Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

* Hi! I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

* Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

* I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Kylie' instead of 'Steve'.

A Choice of Hymns

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his

congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

JAPAN PRIME MINISTER MEETS PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON

Here's a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US when the President was Bill Clinton.

Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets with President Bill Clinton.

The instructor told Mori " Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. ?

Then Mr Clinton should say "I am fine, and you ?"

Now you should say 'me too'.

Afterwards we translators, will do all the work for you." It looked quite simple, but ....

When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You ?".

Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor

"Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha ha..."

Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha ha.."

Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.

Skidrow1140 po...

SOME FUNNY STORIES

It was a really hot day. The village idiot decided that he needed a cool drink, so he went to a vending machine.He put some change in, and a can came out.The idiot popped a few more coins into the slot and another can rolled down.Excited, he continued to feed the machine.Pretty soon, a line formed behind him. Finally, a woman yelled, "hurry up! We're all hot and thirsty." "No way," the idiot said." I'm still winning."

Q: What did one DNA say to another DNA?

A:Do these genes make me look fat?

One afternoon a man was a driving home when a cow ran across the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the animal and ran off into a muddy ditch. A farmer with a horse came along and offered to help. He uncoiled a rope and tied one end to the car and the other end to the horse."pull, Robert,pull," the farmer yelled.Then he yelled again. "pulled, Diego, pull." He called out one more time, "pull , Billy, pull." At this , the horse strained against the rope and pulled the car from the ditch.

The grateful yet confused motorist asked,"Why did you yell out three names when you have only one horse?" "My horse is blind," the farmer explained."If he finds out he's the only one doing the pulling, he won't move"

Two men are sitting next to each other at a London bar. "I was listening to you speak," says one, "and i can't help thingking, are you from DEVON?" "Yes, I am!" says the other proudly,."So am I! says the first man. "Where in devon are you from?" "Barnstaple." "Me too! Which street?" "Stanley Avenue." "My God,it"s a small wrild," says the first man. That's where i grew up.Which school did you go to? St Mary's Grammar, of course, says his companion. I left in 1968. The good Lord must be smiling down upon us.I went to St Mary"s and left in 1968 too. Can you believe we both ended up in the same pub tonight? Jusr then, another man walks into the pub and orders a beer.The barman walks over, shaking his head. It's going to be a long night, he says. The hodgkins twins are drunk again.

Two dogs were out for a walk. One dog says to other , Wait here a minute. I'll be right back. He walks across the street and sniffs a fire hydrant for about a minute, then rejoin his friend. What was that all about? the other dog asks. Just checking my message.

A suspect was arrested for beating a guy in a rice field with a small ceramic figurine.It's the first case on record of a knick-knack paddy whack.

My wife was in labour with our first child.Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't , couldn't , wouldn't , didn't , can't.

Doctor , what's wrong with my wife? I asked. She having contractions, silly.

Late one night the political candidate came home and gave his wife the glorious news: "Darling, I've been elected!" "Honestly?" she replied. "Hey," the politician said, frowning, "why bring that up?"

Lawyers are leaving their mark everywhere. Today I went to the aquarium and saw a sign that said "Alleged Killer Whale."

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the bowling league records were destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A young actor was excited at getting his first job and rushed home to tell his father. "Guess what," he says. I play a man who's been married for 30 years.

"Never mind, son," says his father. "I'm sure you'll get a speaking part next time.

(From Reader's Digest)